My Cat’s Morning Screams™️, Translated
What I think my cat is trying to tell me at the crack of dawn. Every. Single. Morning.
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My four-year-old Siamese cat, Fonzie — Arthur Fonzarelli when he’s in trouble — wakes up anywhere between 4 a.m. and 6 a.m. to begin his patented Morning Screams™️, i.e. the screams he does in the morning. They are, simultaneously, declarations and curiosities (I assume). Here’s what I think he’s saying:
It’s been dark out for a long time!
Will the big light ever come back?!
I can’t remember what it feels like to be pet!
Come quick! The big light outside is back!
Help! There’s a bird I can’t get to!
Are your hands broken?!
There’s a ghost above you!
I’m all alone in this one room!
Do you think the bird wants to be my friend?!
The food is gone!!!
I have a burning desire to learn how to read!
Where did all this food come from?!
Did you know there’s another me in this window thing?!
What if I never have a new place to sit ever again?!
I think I know how to sing!
My fur is so soft someone should touch it to confirm!
I wish I understood gravity!
Where are all these new smells coming from?!
I’m all alone in this one room!
Do you think the bird wants to be my friend?!
There’s a ghost in the bathroom!
I can’t believe how many toes I have!
Listen to how loud I can get!!!
Let it goooooo, let it goooooo! Can’t hold it back anymore!
This toy is broken!
Never mind, I figured it out!
Nope! How did it break again?!
Ok, that’s my bad, I fixed it!
I lost it!!!
This place is swamped with ghosts!
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Nikki Palumbo
Nikki is a writer and comedian. Their writing has appeared on The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Funny or Die, Reductress, the Google Assistant, and her folks’ fridge. They were named one of WhoHaha’s “35 LGBTQ Creators We Love” in 2018 and a Yes, And Laughter Lab finalist in 2019. They worked as a story producer on the YouTube Originals weekly music show, RELEASED, and wrote for the inaugural 2021 MTV Movie & TV Awards: Unscripted, hosted by Nikki Glaser. Nikki hosts the monthly-ish standup show Queer Tiger Beat, which has been recommended by The New York Times and featured in Time Out.