Aspiring Bodega Cat? Inquire Within.
NYC needs these essential workers for tasks that include hissing at customers, ensuring toilet paper is scratched up, and keeping unruly rodents (and dogs) in check.
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Bodega cats are a staple of the New York City workforce, even if they’re “not” “exactly” “legal.” They monitor chip and toilet paper inventory, offer an interactive experience with customers, and keep unruly rodents (and dogs) in check. It’s nice work, if you can get it, so here are some job postings we “found.”
Wanted: Essential Worker
Must have an unflinching attitude. Sweet appearance but ability to turn at a moment’s notice. Regular duties include: greeting customers, chasing flies, ignoring customers, naps, finding the sunspot, putting dogs in their place, basic arithmetic.
Seeking On-Site Pest Control
An exciting opportunity for the right candidate. You’ll roam the aisles of the store looking for, apprehending, and ejecting intruders. Must be a team player and open to feedback.
Pss Pss Pss Pss Pss
Here, kitty kitty! Do you want a treat? Come here and I’ll give you all the treats you want. You live here now.
Position Available: Window
A self-starter, self-groomer, and sometimes a self-stopper. Open floor plan office but customize however you see/fit. Benefits include employer-matched 401K, discounted gym membership, and on-site café (eat whatever you catch).
Hiring Immediately!!! No Experience Needed!!!
Please apply if you have soft fur, a gritty tongue, and a hunger for a challenge. On-site training available in addition to ample leisure time. Set your own hours.
Looking for A Boss
Do you have what it takes to be a CEO (Cat Executive Officer)? Must be fluent in hiss, scratch, and sarcasm. Standard hours (24). Have adequate people skills, or don’t, it’s not that big of a deal.
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Nikki is a writer and comedian. Her writing has appeared on The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Funny or Die, Reductress, the Google Assistant, and her folks’ fridge. She was named one of WhoHaha’s “35 LGBTQ Creators We Love” in 2018 and a Yes, And Laughter Lab finalist in 2019. She worked as a story producer on the YouTube Originals weekly music show, RELEASED, and wrote for the inaugural 2021 MTV Movie & TV Awards: Unscripted, hosted by Nikki Glaser. Nikki hosts the monthly-ish standup show Queer Tiger Beat, which has been recommended by The New York Times and featured in Time Out.