My Cat’s New Year’s Resolutions
Start from scratch.
Your pet wants you to read our newsletter. (Then give them a treat.)
Try at least one food I don’t like (and try even harder to not throw it up).
Book a trip to Mexico with my cousin, Mittens.
Work up the courage to say hello to that tomcat in the garden behind my apartment.
Piss in the shower less.
Maintain my gratitude practice.
Take more photographs with friends.
Call my grandmother more.
Groom like no one’s watching.
Conquer my hydrophobia.
Finally start and finishing writing my book, “The Year of Magical Blinking.”
Really invest in getting to know myself. Explore my identity and my wants and not just fulfill everyone else’s expectations.
Catch that red dot, once and for all.
Get more comfortable with public speaking.
Become an influencer for Chewy.
Practice being braver when I hear a new loud sound.
Allow myself to trust people with my belly.
Clean up after myself when I knock everything off a high ledge.
Nikki is a writer and comedian. Her writing has appeared on The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Funny or Die, Reductress, the Google Assistant, and her folks’ fridge. She was named one of WhoHaha’s “35 LGBTQ Creators We Love” in 2018 and a Yes, And Laughter Lab finalist in 2019. She worked as a story producer on the YouTube Originals weekly music show, RELEASED, and wrote for the inaugural 2021 MTV Movie & TV Awards: Unscripted, hosted by Nikki Glaser. Nikki hosts the monthly-ish standup show Queer Tiger Beat, which has been recommended by The New York Times and featured in Time Out.